Head is rushing.

Every time I stand my head goes black, I get dizzy.
I missed the head rushes. Two days and I’m back in my comfort zone.

Today I realized it doesn’t have to be perfect.

I have come around to this thought, today, as I am almost 20 years old, that it doesn’t have to be perfect.. You can be asymetrical, you can cut a kiwi with a spoon and not use a knife and witht this I can appreciate it even more than if I had made it perfect. Stop stressing about the little things. Enjoy your goddamned kiwi.

Drizzly drizzle

I’ve been away for over 40 days. I know, I know. Much has changed, but lots has also stayed the same. Lately I’ve being recoilling into myself more and more.
Lately I’ve been trying to do good, and keep everything clean and make nice meals and keep up with school and social activities. This led me to start masturbating because M and I would never have free time together to be intimate, we have different scheduals, and he hangs out with S all the time to watch a show, while I cook and clean and make things happen in our dorm.Touching myself more started to bring more self confidence in myself.
Just one problem, now I cringe when M touches me. I hate it, I’d rather do it myself. and this is all my fault because I’ve been meaning to talk to him about needing slower foreplay, but I just haven’t had the balls to talk about it. It’s not really that even. I just don’t know how to start the conversation without him telling me everything I say isn’t true and putting me down for telling him how I feel.

On our affection, things are much better, this is one thing that has made coping so much easier for me. I know he cares and loves me, just sometimes I need a little extra effort

One night, not too long ago, we were lying in bed and just talking, it was really late, and he was speaking of his childhood, I mentioned that he doesn’t talk about the past much, so we both asked each other question about our lives and events we’ve been through. Coming clean about my past was a great weight lifted from my shoulders, but now I feel incredibly vulnerable, I don’t like this feeling, but I know I have to get through it to become whole again. Since telling him though, dark thoughts have surfaced again, I have managed to keep them at bay so far.

I don’t like being in the absyss like this. I get no good out of it. The urge to S.H. is always a nagging thought, for the stupidest things, and S.H. is the one thing I can never talk to M about because I believe he feels it’s attention seeking behaviour, and he has told me if he ever sees evidence of self harm, he’ll leave me.

I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life anymore.

My recovery, Ultimate happiness.

Making my videos public again. Discussing Recovery Goals

Screwed myself over.

So my period’s late, 6 days late. I’m trying not to stress because in the past month I’ve moved over 300km, Made tons of changes to my life, changed my cannabis routine, and have just gotten off working 10 days straight. Is it still ok to convince myself that it’s just stress? I’m not sure, but I’m going to stick to it until July comes.   I use spermicide and a cervical cap as BC, so I don’t think that an accidental pregnancy is possible, I’m very rigid about following the directions, This is the last thing I want. I can’t let myself worry yet. If it does happen to be what I’m panicking about, then I’m leaving M. I can’t ruin his life because of my incompetence. I don’t even know if I could tell him, if it comes down that that is what’s going on. Ok, just stop stressing. I’m drinking tons of herbal teas to try and induce uterine contractions and get my menses going.
So the point of this post is for herbs not to consume during pregnancy as they may cause miscarriage:
These are not foods, but non the less important:
Herbs that should not be used during pregnancy are:
• Aloe Vera  The leaves are strongly purgative and should not be taken internally.
• Thuja, Arbor vitae (Thuja occidentalis)  A uterine and menstrual stimulant that could damage the fetus.
• Autumn crocus (Colichicum autumnale)  Can affect cell division and lead to birth defects.
• Barberry (Berberis vulgaris)  Contains high levels of berberine, known to stimulate uterine contractions.
• Basil oil  A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Beth root (Trillium erectum) A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Black cohosh (Cimicifuga racemosus) May lead to premature contractions; avoid unless under professional guidance. Safe to use during childbirth.
• Bloodroot (Sanguinaria canadensis) A uterine stimulant that in quite small doses also causes vomiting.
• Blue cohosh (Caulophyllum thalictroides) A uterine stimulant to avoid unless under professional guidance. Safe to use during childbirth.
• Broom (Cytisus scoparius) Causes uterine contractions so should be avoided during pregnancy; in parts of Europe it is given after the birth to prevent blood loss.
• Bugleweed (Lycopus virginicus) Interferes with hormone production in the pituitary gland, so best avoided.
• Clove oil A uterine stimulant used only during labor.
• Comfrey (Symphytum officinale) Contains toxic chemicals that will cross the placenta; do not take internally.
• Cotton root (Gossypium herbaceum) Uterine stimulant traditionally given to encourage contractions during a difficult labor, but rarely used medicinally today.
• Devil’s claw (Harpagophytum procumbens) Uterine stimulant, oxytocic.
• Dong quai (Angelica polymorpha var. sinensis) Uterine and menstrual stimulant, best avoided during pregnancy;ideal after childbirth.
• False unicorn root (Chamaelirium luteum) A hormonal stimulant to avoid unless under professional guidance.
• Feverfew (Tanacetum parthenium) Uterine stimulant; may cause premature contractions.
• Golden seal (Hydrastis canadensis) Uterine stimulant; may lead to premature contractions but safe during childbirth.
• Greater celandine (Chelidonium majus) Uterine stimulant; may cause premature contractions.
• Juniper and juniper oil (Juniperus communis) A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Lady’s mantle (Alchemilla xanthoclora) A uterine stimulant; use only in labor.
• Liferoot (Senecio aureus) A uterine stimulant containing toxic chemicals that will cross the placenta.
• Mistletoe (Viscum album) A uterine stimulant containing toxic chemicals that may cross the placenta.
• Mugwort (Artemesia vulgaris) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects; avoid unless under professional guidance. Also avoid when breastfeeding.
• American pennyroyal (Hedeoma pulegioides) Reputed uterine stimulant to be avoided during pregnancy.
• European pennyroyal (Mentha pulegium) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects; avoid unless under professional guidance. Also avoid when breastfeeding.
• Peruvian bark (Cinchona officinalis) Toxic; excess may cause blindness and coma. Used to treat malaria and given during pregnancy only to malaria sufferers under professional guidance.
• Pokeroot (Phytolacca decandra) May cause birth defects.
• Pseudoginseng (Panax notoginseng) May cause birth defects.
• Pulsatilla (Anemone pulsatilla) Menstrual stimulant best avoided during pregnancy; limited use during lactation.
• Rue (Ruta graveolens) Uterine and menstrual stimulant; may cause premature contractions.
• Sassafras (Sassafras albidum) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects.
• Shepherd’s purse (Capsella bursa-pastoris) A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Southernwood (Artemisia abrotanum) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects; avoid unless under professional guidance. Also avoid when breastfeeding.
• Squill (Urginea maritima) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects.
• Tansy (Tanacetum vulgare) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects.
• Wild yam (Diascorea villosa) A uterine stimulant to avoid unless under professional guidance; safe during labor.
• Wormwood (Artemisia absinthum) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects

When I Recover, I Will be Able to Enjoy All This, and More….

Here is a quote from this article by Gwyneth Olwyn – the seven signs of true remission from an eating disorder are:

1) You look forward to gatherings and celebrations that center on food. Like all those without an eating disorder, you indulge happily and do not compensate either before or after the event.

2) You have no forbidden foods, unless of course they could actually kill you (think peanut allergy).

3) You are a force for moral absolution. Your relationship with food is a morality-free zone and it has far reaching influence on those around you, not to mention yourself.

4) You experience your body, and every body, as a miracle every day. You marvel at the healing of a bruise. You stop to watch your fingers flying over a keyboard and are amazed. You see form and function and the innate power of the body.

5) You understand on a cellular level that “savoring” is a state of transcendence and transubstantiation. Transforming food into life-giving energy is freaking phenomenal!

6) You feel connected. While many with eating disorders can feel strangely energized and alive in a state of extreme energy depletion, they rarely feel connected in that state. In fact, they feel a high in the disconnection. Connection is actually an ambivalent state and you are able to hold the ambivalence with appreciation. It is not always joyous, supportive or healing to be connected to others. But you are ok with that.

7) You are fluid. [You are flexible.]