11 months. It’s been a while

Since then, I’ve made it through college, my parents and brother have moved across the country, and I found myself a great job in the north.

I’m down 27lbs.

 

I’m proud of myself, but I just feel like nothing I’ve done is an accomplishment, which is a contradiction in itself.  I got a job in my field, 40 days after graduating, with good pay, benefits, RRSP ect. But I don’t feel fulfilled.

 

M isn’t working. and I don’t mind, that was the deal, I just want him to keep up the place more. When I come home, theres dishes ect, and he’ll decide to start cleaning and doing dishes at 12am and come to be at 2:30am when I wake up at 3:45am to get up for my shift. His response was basically, if I want him to take care of the place, then I have to let him do it his way and not comment on it, or ask him to spend time with me because it takes away from his cleaning time.

So basically he said it was all my fault. That blew up and h threatened to leave me, and then got upset when I didn’t tell him not to go and beg him to stay.

 

Things are kinda better now, but since then I feel the depression coming back, I don’t want sex with him, I can’t open up to him, its all forced. I’m hopeless.

Make something of myself.

My challenge for myself.

I’ve been taking care of myself, eating less and doing squats and Calisthenics myself. Got some new clothes to help with my public appearance, since I’m going off in the south to see M and family for New Years. I’m actually excited, I’m going on a train, but also insanely anxious.  My skin cleared up, so that’s a positive. The cravings are down, but I still put milk in my coffee in the morning, I need to stop that. Goal is to be down 20 lbs by February 16th and 35 lbs by April 10th.

 

Graduating and going out to the real world is the biggest trigger right now, I need to work on my charm, people skills, and appearance. And I need to stop picking at my nail bed, no one wants to hire someone with ugly hands.

I’m not changing because of the new year, this is already in motion, I started again because I realized I can’t live the way I was, It’s just not for me.

Today I realized it doesn’t have to be perfect.

I have come around to this thought, today, as I am almost 20 years old, that it doesn’t have to be perfect.. You can be asymetrical, you can cut a kiwi with a spoon and not use a knife and witht this I can appreciate it even more than if I had made it perfect. Stop stressing about the little things. Enjoy your goddamned kiwi.

Drizzly drizzle

I’ve been away for over 40 days. I know, I know. Much has changed, but lots has also stayed the same. Lately I’ve being recoilling into myself more and more.
Lately I’ve been trying to do good, and keep everything clean and make nice meals and keep up with school and social activities. This led me to start masturbating because M and I would never have free time together to be intimate, we have different scheduals, and he hangs out with S all the time to watch a show, while I cook and clean and make things happen in our dorm.Touching myself more started to bring more self confidence in myself.
Just one problem, now I cringe when M touches me. I hate it, I’d rather do it myself. and this is all my fault because I’ve been meaning to talk to him about needing slower foreplay, but I just haven’t had the balls to talk about it. It’s not really that even. I just don’t know how to start the conversation without him telling me everything I say isn’t true and putting me down for telling him how I feel.

On our affection, things are much better, this is one thing that has made coping so much easier for me. I know he cares and loves me, just sometimes I need a little extra effort

One night, not too long ago, we were lying in bed and just talking, it was really late, and he was speaking of his childhood, I mentioned that he doesn’t talk about the past much, so we both asked each other question about our lives and events we’ve been through. Coming clean about my past was a great weight lifted from my shoulders, but now I feel incredibly vulnerable, I don’t like this feeling, but I know I have to get through it to become whole again. Since telling him though, dark thoughts have surfaced again, I have managed to keep them at bay so far.

I don’t like being in the absyss like this. I get no good out of it. The urge to S.H. is always a nagging thought, for the stupidest things, and S.H. is the one thing I can never talk to M about because I believe he feels it’s attention seeking behaviour, and he has told me if he ever sees evidence of self harm, he’ll leave me.

I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life anymore.

It’s been two months.

I’ve made it through the summer, finished my contract, moved back into A and back in school.
Classes have taken up again and I have not been motivated. If I don’t have a class scheduled I just sleep.
I need to inspire myself, to stop running myself into the ground and being miserable. 21 months clean.
Honestly I’ve felt the need for self harm again, I haven’t given in yet, and I’m trying to stay strong.
I need to take back what makes me happy, and I want to feel desirable again.
I hate my weight. I have gained and just dealing with all my stress from life is too much.
The only good aspect is my parents are moving out west, so I will truly be free. I can decide what I want.
Taking care of M is still priority over me, I never put myself first.
Have been eating once a day again since I’m back, with most of the veg from my garden and meat from the local butcher.
I feel back  on track I just see no progress

I want to talk, I just have nothing worth saying

I can’t deal now because I feel like I put so much more in than he does, and when I mention it, he totally disregards me and I end up apologizing. Also, he gets frustrated when I apologize, it’s just an endless cycle
I can’t even deal because my grandmother passed away monday and he hasn’t given me any slack. If I get upset, he tells me to calm down. I know it’s silly to be upset over the things I do, but just let it be, I don’t know how to grieve.

I clean up our room, do his laundry, and dishes. I make him coffee every morning and dinner every night…  I take care of him as best as I can; all my friends tell me I spoil him and he doesn’t appreciate what I do for him, and I do feel that way some times, but when I bring it up to talk about, he always makes me feel like I’m in the wrong for complaining. I don’t know what to do, he doesn’t take me seriously. Every time I try, it ends up going in the complete wrong direction.

Like today, I just finished my period, so I came to ‘bother’ him, but he was sleeping and got angry because I was tickling him. Which is totally fine. But later when I mentioned I hadn’t got off in two days, he scoffed and gave me ‘the look’ Because of last night. Even though last night I got him off, and he promised to do the same, but forgot, hours later I bring it up, and he tries to remedy it, but I didn’t end up getting off. Now today when I mention how hot and bothered I’ve been all day he looks at me and sarcastically said how neglected I am for having a boyfriend how didn’t have sex with me for one day. And understand it’s not that that’s bothering me, It’s the fact I got him off twice and I didn’t get anything back. Also not helping that I’m going home for the weekend and won’t be back till monday.
I mean all I was asking for was an orgasm.

It doesn’t help that I don’t have any pot to keep me calm, and I don’t want to pop pills. The stress is getting to me. I don’t like having to tiptoe and having to constantly be reassured, and that’s exactly what I have become, Why do I always do this? I have been smoking a lot less, make 2gs last 8 days, which is very good for me. It has not been good for my anxiety, and I need to let my fingers heal. I try to distract myself with M, but it doesn’t always work.

I have to figure out how to cope, and if this is what I want. I can’t keep going on without communication, at first, I honestly thought it was going to get better, M always told me talking helps. Now it seems he’s got fed up with me trying to talk. I know it’s just him being a boy, like how I’ll tell him I miss him because I spent all day in class and he’s on the computer, and he’ll just laugh and tell me he’s right here. It’s stupid stuff like that that makes me upset.

Also, he’s very passive-aggressive about my eating, but I don’t know what to do because I feel like I’m doing well, very well considering the circumstances. I just don’t know how to get it across to him that I need to feel appreciated, Important to him. The more he ignores the things I do, the more I go out of my way for him, hoping he’ll notice some of the stuff I do for him. I know it’ll get me nowhere, but that’s all I know how to do.

Need to start tracking and measuring progress

I purged last night. There went over a year of convincing myself it didn’t need to be done, here I find myself spiralling back… I can’t let this happen.

DAILY JOURNALING QUESTIONS:
1. Today, the feelings I most identify with are:
_Anxiety
_Sadness
_Pain
_Shame
_Fear
_Anger
_Lonely
_Guilt
_Joy

_Other

2. My Overall emotional experience today is
_Very hot (extreme)
_Hot (significant)
_Warm (moderate)
_Lukewarm (mild)
_Cold (numb)
-Because: _

3) The issues/struggles I need to deal with are:

4) What I need to help me at this time is:

5) The positive steps I’ve made today were:

6) My desire/motivation toward recovery is: (on a scale on 1-10)

7) My goal(s) for tomorrow are:

8) How did my goals go for today?:

9) What happened today good and/or bad? Describe.

10) This is how I feel. Explain why you have that feeling.

11) This is what I need.

Daily Skills Card:

ON A SCALE OF 1-10
Negative Thinking:
Bad Body Image:
Restrict:
Binge:
Purge:
Over-exercise:
Use Substances:
Self-Harm/Suicide:

Pain/Hurt:
Lonley:
Shame:
Guilt:
Anger:
Fear/Anxiety:
Joy:

Did you–
Use Substances:
Self-Harm:
Restrict:
Binge:
Purge:
Over-exercise:
Isolate:
Use Dishonesty:
Have an Outburst or Hold Emotions In:

Skills Used:
Skills That I Could Use:

Triggering Events:

Ways I hold on to my eating disorder:

Ways I am practicing recovery:

Things That Brought Joy:

(Source:Remuda Ranch)

Break me

Today I slept 16 hours. I have figured out how to save Michael from seeing my mania, if I do well, and let my mania run it’s course, I’ll be burnt by January, in the mean time, he’ll only see me like that for two days. If I let everything go to shit for 3 weeks, It’ll help me in recovery. And I won’t fuck up a semester of college. Eating in front of my peers every lab has been exhausting.. One of the last labs, a fellow student mentioned how it was the first time I ever finished something we tasted, and we only take bite sized samples, everyone agreed and laughed, I felt humiliated. I’ve been trying so hard. It has now been six months, and I’m eating almost every day. M knows. We went on a trip and I ate in 3 restaurants in one day. That was so hard not to purge. I knew if I did he would get all the more concerned so I struggled and kept it down, which led me to be a bitch all day. I met his parents, and ate dinner in front of all of them, that’s an other step. Everything is baby steps. I love him. I don’t know how to let him know about my struggles.

I met his mother, stepfather and brother also. I think that went well. I had a beer beforehand, I think it helped. but I was still very shy. M said I did well, so that makes me feel good. I just hope I don’t embarrass him. I miss him terribly. sleeping is the only way I can think solely of him, in a limbo, half conscious state. It’s terrible really to think. But if I work with this, I will sleep no longer until I’m with him again, and when we see each other, everything will be better

My parents are teasing me that I don’t have a boyfriend for christmas, little do they know he’s coming to stay with us for the weekend, I have to pluck up the courage to tell them. I can’t tell M I don’t have the balls to tell them he’s coming…                It won’t surprise me if I tell them hours before he arrives.

I sound like a happy lovely girl now, praising about him, but it has not pleased me to write this, it just put salt in the wound.

Apologies

Seems like I’ve decided to give this and youtube up… It’s not that I’m busy, just that I’m making stupid choices.Food wise, I’m doing very well, only  because I was home for the weekend. The majority of my calories  (about 90%) last week were from alcohol, and I only went out drinking 3 times. Today I have class 8-3, then going out for happy hour, cause it’s a friend’s birthday. Then I promised to go grocery shopping with one of the researchers. He’s from bangladesh, and very friendly, almost too friendly, and he’s starting to take up too much of my time. I don’t know what to do about that. Now there’s girls running down the stairs, screaming. Joy’s of residence. I swear some of these girls drink to go to class. I have to go now, I’ll try to do a video asap.

Residence

Yesterday was a good day, I met people, got really drunk and pissed off my ex. I’m currently sobbing and panicking in my room because I don’t fit in, people here either are into country and chick flicks, or drinking and drugs. I’m trying to stay away, so this has been hard for me. I took 1mg clonazepam because my sobbing was so loud that people were coming to check on me. Now I just have a steady stream of tears and bad thoughts. I don’t start class till Thursday. I hope tomorrow the loneliness will wear off. I’m useless like this.