Today I realized it doesn’t have to be perfect.

I have come around to this thought, today, as I am almost 20 years old, that it doesn’t have to be perfect.. You can be asymetrical, you can cut a kiwi with a spoon and not use a knife and witht this I can appreciate it even more than if I had made it perfect. Stop stressing about the little things. Enjoy your goddamned kiwi.

Drizzly drizzle

I’ve been away for over 40 days. I know, I know. Much has changed, but lots has also stayed the same. Lately I’ve being recoilling into myself more and more.
Lately I’ve been trying to do good, and keep everything clean and make nice meals and keep up with school and social activities. This led me to start masturbating because M and I would never have free time together to be intimate, we have different scheduals, and he hangs out with S all the time to watch a show, while I cook and clean and make things happen in our dorm.Touching myself more started to bring more self confidence in myself.
Just one problem, now I cringe when M touches me. I hate it, I’d rather do it myself. and this is all my fault because I’ve been meaning to talk to him about needing slower foreplay, but I just haven’t had the balls to talk about it. It’s not really that even. I just don’t know how to start the conversation without him telling me everything I say isn’t true and putting me down for telling him how I feel.

On our affection, things are much better, this is one thing that has made coping so much easier for me. I know he cares and loves me, just sometimes I need a little extra effort

One night, not too long ago, we were lying in bed and just talking, it was really late, and he was speaking of his childhood, I mentioned that he doesn’t talk about the past much, so we both asked each other question about our lives and events we’ve been through. Coming clean about my past was a great weight lifted from my shoulders, but now I feel incredibly vulnerable, I don’t like this feeling, but I know I have to get through it to become whole again. Since telling him though, dark thoughts have surfaced again, I have managed to keep them at bay so far.

I don’t like being in the absyss like this. I get no good out of it. The urge to S.H. is always a nagging thought, for the stupidest things, and S.H. is the one thing I can never talk to M about because I believe he feels it’s attention seeking behaviour, and he has told me if he ever sees evidence of self harm, he’ll leave me.

I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life anymore.

My recovery, Ultimate happiness.

Making my videos public again. Discussing Recovery Goals