December. Recovery and weight

Since last time here,

 

I’ve lost 7lbs, 117lbs now.

Positively, my eating has been reduced, and has taken it’s toll on my mental health at under 800 a day, but I feel like a better person.

I’ve been keeping oats, fresh fruit and meat once a day, when I’m not fasting and 2x a week I have around 400cals of pasta or bread.

Got some new VS bras for work, and the support is amazing.
With all the lifting my job entails, I’ve been getting toned, but I’ve abandoned recover, as I see no point to it.

 

M and I have talked about a lot, we might move down south again, as an opportunity has presented itself, I just don’t know if I’m cut out for living close to my in-laws. They’re just such different people than I know, and I know it’s not fair, but I feel their ignorant for being all anglo.

 

 

I’ve gotten a raise, a work bonus and praise from my managers but the plant manager still hates me.

 

Will be on here more and more, and I am super active on twitter lately.

11 months. It’s been a while

Since then, I’ve made it through college, my parents and brother have moved across the country, and I found myself a great job in the north.

I’m down 27lbs.

 

I’m proud of myself, but I just feel like nothing I’ve done is an accomplishment, which is a contradiction in itself.  I got a job in my field, 40 days after graduating, with good pay, benefits, RRSP ect. But I don’t feel fulfilled.

 

M isn’t working. and I don’t mind, that was the deal, I just want him to keep up the place more. When I come home, theres dishes ect, and he’ll decide to start cleaning and doing dishes at 12am and come to be at 2:30am when I wake up at 3:45am to get up for my shift. His response was basically, if I want him to take care of the place, then I have to let him do it his way and not comment on it, or ask him to spend time with me because it takes away from his cleaning time.

So basically he said it was all my fault. That blew up and h threatened to leave me, and then got upset when I didn’t tell him not to go and beg him to stay.

 

Things are kinda better now, but since then I feel the depression coming back, I don’t want sex with him, I can’t open up to him, its all forced. I’m hopeless.

I thought of going back to therapy

Though, it didn’t last too long. Now that I’m an adult, it cost to see a therapist or anyone for help with mental health, begging at 140$/hour. I would pay that, if I thought it would help me. As I was looking for a therapist specialized in my issues, I realized that I’d have to go though it all again, built a relationship, trust, and expose myself, all to be told what I already know, occupational therapy, coping methods, mindfulness, existentialism, dysthymia.

After that realization I decided I must fix myself, but that has turned into fasting constantly. M has not been too pushy so it’s good for now.

 

More later.

Head is rushing.

Every time I stand my head goes black, I get dizzy.
I missed the head rushes. Two days and I’m back in my comfort zone.

Promised myself 3 things

1. Stop hiding things from M, whether it be if I’m upset, my feelings and anxiety, even this blog is hidden from him. Being in a relationship is about trust and understanding, and I know that he trusts me.

2. Stop putting so much pressure on myself. I don’t need to take care of him for him to love me. He just does. Getting up on my days off to make him coffee, or cleaning up after him, cooking for him, doing all these things ”for him” needs to stop. He loves me for who I am. Period.

I am responsible for who I am and how healthy my emotions are. With the recent trying event, this will prove to be hard. Self harm is not an option, M has told me many times he will be angry with me if I resort to SH. He says talking helps everything, but how can I share all these horrible things with him? K,get back to the point of this post. Stop hiding.

3.Stop putting myself down for my bad english/lack of knowledge. This is going to be the most challenging.

Today I realized it doesn’t have to be perfect.

I have come around to this thought, today, as I am almost 20 years old, that it doesn’t have to be perfect.. You can be asymetrical, you can cut a kiwi with a spoon and not use a knife and witht this I can appreciate it even more than if I had made it perfect. Stop stressing about the little things. Enjoy your goddamned kiwi.

Yay or Yuk?

I need to read this again and make a plan of action for my communication issues.

What people don’t tell you about recovery point #1

Willpower wins

Why can’t I answer these questions?

Recovering Rosalyn's Roses

This evening, I found myself in a conversation with a woman who I consider to be a very close friend. She is someone who I want to stand with me when I  [eventually] get married, and one of the first people I want to call when I receive good or bad news. She identifies as a white woman, while I identify as Middle Eastern (after much discernment on my part, may I add.)

I’m not sure why I felt it necessary to get into this conversation. Maybe it’s because I’m coming off of an ACPA conference high and feel as though I have all of this information that I need to get out. Maybe it’s because I really feel as though she is wrong, and would like to be the person to change her mind. Maybe, it is because for the first time in my life I feel like a…

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