December. Recovery and weight

Since last time here,

 

I’ve lost 7lbs, 117lbs now.

Positively, my eating has been reduced, and has taken it’s toll on my mental health at under 800 a day, but I feel like a better person.

I’ve been keeping oats, fresh fruit and meat once a day, when I’m not fasting and 2x a week I have around 400cals of pasta or bread.

Got some new VS bras for work, and the support is amazing.
With all the lifting my job entails, I’ve been getting toned, but I’ve abandoned recover, as I see no point to it.

 

M and I have talked about a lot, we might move down south again, as an opportunity has presented itself, I just don’t know if I’m cut out for living close to my in-laws. They’re just such different people than I know, and I know it’s not fair, but I feel their ignorant for being all anglo.

 

 

I’ve gotten a raise, a work bonus and praise from my managers but the plant manager still hates me.

 

Will be on here more and more, and I am super active on twitter lately.

My recovery, Ultimate happiness.

Making my videos public again. Discussing Recovery Goals

Holidays.. or Helldays

I don’t particularly like this time of year, winter has always been my worst time, and fighting it is terrible and constant. M told me I did well with him, I tried quite hard also.. Sweets are hard, and he enjoys them so.. And cheese, the two worst things. But I can’t get pissy with him. He told me yesterday, as we were eating tabbouleh and raisin buns with sheep gouda (a Dutch thing) that he’s fattening me up. I simply stated I knew that and my way of response seemed to shock him in some way.. I don’t really know why… And I also got my special fanta that I enjoyed about 250ml, which is 65 cal.. Imported soda is quite enjoyable… That’s about all for now.. The title was meant for something else, but I didn’t have the energy to write about it.

16 days

I went grocery shopping today, farmers market and the store… First place I went to, the store smelled like rotten meat, so I drove 25 minutes out of my way to a reputable grocer. I bought fresh peaches, pineapple, frozen fruit, cabbage, bread and all, without my little brother thinking I’m obsessing (He knows, and doesn’t let me ponder over food choices) We also got ingredients for pizza tonight, with homemade dough (I have to make later) I also bought him to a quaint bakery and we got croissants and pecan tarts, I had one of each. which is a big step because I didn’t have coffee today, pastries on a truly empty stomach. Now I don’t feel hungry or bloated, maybe this is what full is like… Anyways no pondering, today is the most ‘normal’ food I’ve planned in ingesting in 6 year. This is progress. 

Tonight

I’ve been meal prep obsessed. Up until 1 am tonight frantically trying to find perfect.

This is not health

26 Days Left

26 days to prepare for my independence.

I’ve made pages for good recipes to encourage myself to eat

Honestly, lately I haven’t been doing too good, not eating much, two days ago it was 35 calories. Yesterda;y ground beef, brown rice, and onions, 250 calories                                                           Today; ground pork, with Worcester sauce, some flax crackers ~300

So I need to get on track, if I want to keep working out.                                                                       A start would be eating breakfast and dinner. That’s my goal.

In college I’m planning on meal prep Sunday for 5 lunches and dinners, so I can have variety in my breakfast, and also weekend meals. I’m going to make a couple of the plans in advance and probably make a page just for that also.

I think things are going well for my personal life. Working on things as always.

That’s it for now, I’ll be back soon

Start Up

This morning, woke up, no hangover.. I only had 3 small glasses of wine, because I had to drive, but that didn’t stop me from drinking more when I got home.

Texted my ex because I thought it was a good idea, you know how it goes…

Anyways, I ate, since I have to work later. Two slices of quinoa bread, caramelized onions, carrots and peas from the garden. With a balsamic garlic dressing, I must say I enjoyed it.

I can’t be proud because its really “pure” food by my standards… Going to challenge myself more for lunch. Also bringing my little brother out for chicken wings tomorrow… That I’m stressing about

My Food Obsession/Recovery

Me talking about accepting food, realizing while making the video I’m not helping myself.

 

 

I must remember.

• I will get nothing positive out of restricting, binging, or purging.
• None of my problems will be solved, in fact they will likely be magnified because of the self-hate that I feel from falling into the same old trap.
• No matter how many times I say “it will be different this time”, it will NOT be, if I continue to go back to the same things that I KNOW don’t work.
• Using the same behavior today that I used the previous day will result in the same outcome and I have to believe that and not let myself be convinced otherwise.
• Same behavior = Same results— That is a fact.
• I refuse to let myself use the excuse of “I will start tomorrow”, because that will get pushed to the next day, and the next and pretty soon I will have wasted an entire year.
• And the concept of wasting my life to this is much scarier than dealing with any problem I face in my life currently.
• I can, and will break the vicious cycle by dealing with the issues in my life as they arise rather than avoiding them and allowing more to resurface.
• I am healing, I am learning, and I am growing and I deserve to to let myself solve my problems in a healthy way.
• I will become the person I want to be because I am stronger than I believe and I will prove that to myself.
• And I will remember that- “I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me.”

tumblr (authenticallyadriana)

Old Habits

So I’m falling into old habits…. Today I started off with yoga without eating, cleaned my room, lots of lifting furniture, sorting clothes, ect.. I ate a corned beef sandwich for lunch, and for dinner, I went back into my old habit of salmon and veg, steamed in parchment. My mother commented of course, but my other option was pasta with ground beef and cheese, and that was absolutely not allowed.

I’m starting to want to lose weight now that I’m working out more. I cant let myself get back into that. I must limit everything. Moderation is key.

Aaron told me there will me relapses, it’s part of recovery. but what I don’t understand is that I’m relapsing before making any progress.