Every time I stand my head goes black, I get dizzy.
I missed the head rushes. Two days and I’m back in my comfort zone.
eating disorder
Make something of myself.
My challenge for myself.
I’ve been taking care of myself, eating less and doing squats and Calisthenics myself. Got some new clothes to help with my public appearance, since I’m going off in the south to see M and family for New Years. I’m actually excited, I’m going on a train, but also insanely anxious. My skin cleared up, so that’s a positive. The cravings are down, but I still put milk in my coffee in the morning, I need to stop that. Goal is to be down 20 lbs by February 16th and 35 lbs by April 10th.
Graduating and going out to the real world is the biggest trigger right now, I need to work on my charm, people skills, and appearance. And I need to stop picking at my nail bed, no one wants to hire someone with ugly hands.
I’m not changing because of the new year, this is already in motion, I started again because I realized I can’t live the way I was, It’s just not for me.
Today I realized it doesn’t have to be perfect.
I have come around to this thought, today, as I am almost 20 years old, that it doesn’t have to be perfect.. You can be asymetrical, you can cut a kiwi with a spoon and not use a knife and witht this I can appreciate it even more than if I had made it perfect. Stop stressing about the little things. Enjoy your goddamned kiwi.
My recovery, Ultimate happiness.
Making my videos public again. Discussing Recovery Goals
Break me
Today I slept 16 hours. I have figured out how to save Michael from seeing my mania, if I do well, and let my mania run it’s course, I’ll be burnt by January, in the mean time, he’ll only see me like that for two days. If I let everything go to shit for 3 weeks, It’ll help me in recovery. And I won’t fuck up a semester of college. Eating in front of my peers every lab has been exhausting.. One of the last labs, a fellow student mentioned how it was the first time I ever finished something we tasted, and we only take bite sized samples, everyone agreed and laughed, I felt humiliated. I’ve been trying so hard. It has now been six months, and I’m eating almost every day. M knows. We went on a trip and I ate in 3 restaurants in one day. That was so hard not to purge. I knew if I did he would get all the more concerned so I struggled and kept it down, which led me to be a bitch all day. I met his parents, and ate dinner in front of all of them, that’s an other step. Everything is baby steps. I love him. I don’t know how to let him know about my struggles.
I met his mother, stepfather and brother also. I think that went well. I had a beer beforehand, I think it helped. but I was still very shy. M said I did well, so that makes me feel good. I just hope I don’t embarrass him. I miss him terribly. sleeping is the only way I can think solely of him, in a limbo, half conscious state. It’s terrible really to think. But if I work with this, I will sleep no longer until I’m with him again, and when we see each other, everything will be better
My parents are teasing me that I don’t have a boyfriend for christmas, little do they know he’s coming to stay with us for the weekend, I have to pluck up the courage to tell them. I can’t tell M I don’t have the balls to tell them he’s coming… It won’t surprise me if I tell them hours before he arrives.
I sound like a happy lovely girl now, praising about him, but it has not pleased me to write this, it just put salt in the wound.
Apologies
Seems like I’ve decided to give this and youtube up… It’s not that I’m busy, just that I’m making stupid choices.Food wise, I’m doing very well, only because I was home for the weekend. The majority of my calories (about 90%) last week were from alcohol, and I only went out drinking 3 times. Today I have class 8-3, then going out for happy hour, cause it’s a friend’s birthday. Then I promised to go grocery shopping with one of the researchers. He’s from bangladesh, and very friendly, almost too friendly, and he’s starting to take up too much of my time. I don’t know what to do about that. Now there’s girls running down the stairs, screaming. Joy’s of residence. I swear some of these girls drink to go to class. I have to go now, I’ll try to do a video asap.
10 Days
It’s dawning on me, next week I’m moving out, into residence, I’m responsible for feeding myself. That scares me. I’m not good at eating throughout the day, I enjoy the blackouts and fainting from low blood pressure, it feeds my disease’s needs. Once I’m on my own, if I go back to eating just dinner, I’m screwing myself over, recovery and future wise. I need to smarten up. My thoughts are already negative, bad body image will not help me succeed in college, I need to kick it out of my head. A struggle that seems impossible. Day by day goes by, I pack up little by little, making list, what I can eat, what I will eat, what I won’t eat, what I can afford to eat, and all I can think is that this is as bad as my restricting, this is not recovery, it’s stress.
16 days
I went grocery shopping today, farmers market and the store… First place I went to, the store smelled like rotten meat, so I drove 25 minutes out of my way to a reputable grocer. I bought fresh peaches, pineapple, frozen fruit, cabbage, bread and all, without my little brother thinking I’m obsessing (He knows, and doesn’t let me ponder over food choices) We also got ingredients for pizza tonight, with homemade dough (I have to make later) I also bought him to a quaint bakery and we got croissants and pecan tarts, I had one of each. which is a big step because I didn’t have coffee today, pastries on a truly empty stomach. Now I don’t feel hungry or bloated, maybe this is what full is like… Anyways no pondering, today is the most ‘normal’ food I’ve planned in ingesting in 6 year. This is progress.
My Eating disorder Story
My life struggling through eating disorders I’m not the best at explaining, over time I hope to develop better speaking skills.
Wonderlesslust 