December. Recovery and weight

Since last time here,

 

I’ve lost 7lbs, 117lbs now.

Positively, my eating has been reduced, and has taken it’s toll on my mental health at under 800 a day, but I feel like a better person.

I’ve been keeping oats, fresh fruit and meat once a day, when I’m not fasting and 2x a week I have around 400cals of pasta or bread.

Got some new VS bras for work, and the support is amazing.
With all the lifting my job entails, I’ve been getting toned, but I’ve abandoned recover, as I see no point to it.

 

M and I have talked about a lot, we might move down south again, as an opportunity has presented itself, I just don’t know if I’m cut out for living close to my in-laws. They’re just such different people than I know, and I know it’s not fair, but I feel their ignorant for being all anglo.

 

 

I’ve gotten a raise, a work bonus and praise from my managers but the plant manager still hates me.

 

Will be on here more and more, and I am super active on twitter lately.

Promised myself 3 things

1. Stop hiding things from M, whether it be if I’m upset, my feelings and anxiety, even this blog is hidden from him. Being in a relationship is about trust and understanding, and I know that he trusts me.

2. Stop putting so much pressure on myself. I don’t need to take care of him for him to love me. He just does. Getting up on my days off to make him coffee, or cleaning up after him, cooking for him, doing all these things ”for him” needs to stop. He loves me for who I am. Period.

I am responsible for who I am and how healthy my emotions are. With the recent trying event, this will prove to be hard. Self harm is not an option, M has told me many times he will be angry with me if I resort to SH. He says talking helps everything, but how can I share all these horrible things with him? K,get back to the point of this post. Stop hiding.

3.Stop putting myself down for my bad english/lack of knowledge. This is going to be the most challenging.

Leaving my parent’s place

I forget how toxic it is here. My mother is a cruel person, always nagging about my looks, weight, how I don’t shave my legs. I leave on the train in 2 days, right before the new years. I would like to share this all to M but I don’t feel it’s my place. I feel like I need to keep it all inside, especially since I’ll be around his family.
That makes me equally anxious, because I have to go to a new years party with about 30 people I’ve never met. M tells me not to worry, that I can drink and get high, but I don’t want that, I want to be with him. Instead I have to cook and clean up stuff and worry about the gifts his parents got me. I just want to lay in bed for days. I’m so sick of everything.

Today I realized it doesn’t have to be perfect.

I have come around to this thought, today, as I am almost 20 years old, that it doesn’t have to be perfect.. You can be asymetrical, you can cut a kiwi with a spoon and not use a knife and witht this I can appreciate it even more than if I had made it perfect. Stop stressing about the little things. Enjoy your goddamned kiwi.

My recovery, Ultimate happiness.

Making my videos public again. Discussing Recovery Goals