December. Recovery and weight

Since last time here,

 

I’ve lost 7lbs, 117lbs now.

Positively, my eating has been reduced, and has taken it’s toll on my mental health at under 800 a day, but I feel like a better person.

I’ve been keeping oats, fresh fruit and meat once a day, when I’m not fasting and 2x a week I have around 400cals of pasta or bread.

Got some new VS bras for work, and the support is amazing.
With all the lifting my job entails, I’ve been getting toned, but I’ve abandoned recover, as I see no point to it.

 

M and I have talked about a lot, we might move down south again, as an opportunity has presented itself, I just don’t know if I’m cut out for living close to my in-laws. They’re just such different people than I know, and I know it’s not fair, but I feel their ignorant for being all anglo.

 

 

I’ve gotten a raise, a work bonus and praise from my managers but the plant manager still hates me.

 

Will be on here more and more, and I am super active on twitter lately.

It’s been two months.

I’ve made it through the summer, finished my contract, moved back into A and back in school.
Classes have taken up again and I have not been motivated. If I don’t have a class scheduled I just sleep.
I need to inspire myself, to stop running myself into the ground and being miserable. 21 months clean.
Honestly I’ve felt the need for self harm again, I haven’t given in yet, and I’m trying to stay strong.
I need to take back what makes me happy, and I want to feel desirable again.
I hate my weight. I have gained and just dealing with all my stress from life is too much.
The only good aspect is my parents are moving out west, so I will truly be free. I can decide what I want.
Taking care of M is still priority over me, I never put myself first.
Have been eating once a day again since I’m back, with most of the veg from my garden and meat from the local butcher.
I feel back  on track I just see no progress

Unfamiliar territory.

Life is moving along. I got a job and an apartment, currently living alone. M might be able to stay with me for the summer, but still working on finding a job.

His father gave him a truck, and that’s a blessing for us, it will save us a lot of money. One less thing to worry about.

In other news, I now work in the gluten free bakery of Canada’s best spa. It’s a good job, I work with great people. I’m just so terribly lonely.

I’m falling into old habits, since college finished. I’m down to 120lbs. M has not noticed, thank god. Though the only reason why is that its been slow progress. Since moving in here, I made bread and ate some, and roasted a chicken and root veg. had about 300cals of beet and carrot, and 2oz of roasted chicken. I love my food scale, it’s so nice to have, for bread making and portion control.

Today I’m struggling to let myself eat. I don’t have a scale to weigh myself, and I didn’t bring my measuring tape to obsess over.I’m simply going to keep track by how my clothes fit. Hopefully M will understand I fluctuate 30lbs a year.

Time to Type.

I need to talk, and I have no one to talk to, so this is my outlet.

My recovery is not going well. Today I ate a tomatoes and toast, and for dinner more tomato and two eggs. I don’t know what got over me today, But I ate hawkins’s cheezies, I haven’t had those since I was 12. I ate a whole 200g bag, that was over 1000 calories. I’m almost ashamed of that. I feel disgusting. I cannot let that happen, I need to stick to good nourishing food. I’m not helping myself. Recovery is a journey,  not a mess

Tonight

I’ve been meal prep obsessed. Up until 1 am tonight frantically trying to find perfect.

This is not health

26 Days Left

26 days to prepare for my independence.

I’ve made pages for good recipes to encourage myself to eat

Honestly, lately I haven’t been doing too good, not eating much, two days ago it was 35 calories. Yesterda;y ground beef, brown rice, and onions, 250 calories                                                           Today; ground pork, with Worcester sauce, some flax crackers ~300

So I need to get on track, if I want to keep working out.                                                                       A start would be eating breakfast and dinner. That’s my goal.

In college I’m planning on meal prep Sunday for 5 lunches and dinners, so I can have variety in my breakfast, and also weekend meals. I’m going to make a couple of the plans in advance and probably make a page just for that also.

I think things are going well for my personal life. Working on things as always.

That’s it for now, I’ll be back soon

Start Up

This morning, woke up, no hangover.. I only had 3 small glasses of wine, because I had to drive, but that didn’t stop me from drinking more when I got home.

Texted my ex because I thought it was a good idea, you know how it goes…

Anyways, I ate, since I have to work later. Two slices of quinoa bread, caramelized onions, carrots and peas from the garden. With a balsamic garlic dressing, I must say I enjoyed it.

I can’t be proud because its really “pure” food by my standards… Going to challenge myself more for lunch. Also bringing my little brother out for chicken wings tomorrow… That I’m stressing about

My Food Obsession/Recovery

Me talking about accepting food, realizing while making the video I’m not helping myself.

 

 

I must remember.

• I will get nothing positive out of restricting, binging, or purging.
• None of my problems will be solved, in fact they will likely be magnified because of the self-hate that I feel from falling into the same old trap.
• No matter how many times I say “it will be different this time”, it will NOT be, if I continue to go back to the same things that I KNOW don’t work.
• Using the same behavior today that I used the previous day will result in the same outcome and I have to believe that and not let myself be convinced otherwise.
• Same behavior = Same results— That is a fact.
• I refuse to let myself use the excuse of “I will start tomorrow”, because that will get pushed to the next day, and the next and pretty soon I will have wasted an entire year.
• And the concept of wasting my life to this is much scarier than dealing with any problem I face in my life currently.
• I can, and will break the vicious cycle by dealing with the issues in my life as they arise rather than avoiding them and allowing more to resurface.
• I am healing, I am learning, and I am growing and I deserve to to let myself solve my problems in a healthy way.
• I will become the person I want to be because I am stronger than I believe and I will prove that to myself.
• And I will remember that- “I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me.”

tumblr (authenticallyadriana)