December. Recovery and weight

Since last time here,

 

I’ve lost 7lbs, 117lbs now.

Positively, my eating has been reduced, and has taken it’s toll on my mental health at under 800 a day, but I feel like a better person.

I’ve been keeping oats, fresh fruit and meat once a day, when I’m not fasting and 2x a week I have around 400cals of pasta or bread.

Got some new VS bras for work, and the support is amazing.
With all the lifting my job entails, I’ve been getting toned, but I’ve abandoned recover, as I see no point to it.

 

M and I have talked about a lot, we might move down south again, as an opportunity has presented itself, I just don’t know if I’m cut out for living close to my in-laws. They’re just such different people than I know, and I know it’s not fair, but I feel their ignorant for being all anglo.

 

 

I’ve gotten a raise, a work bonus and praise from my managers but the plant manager still hates me.

 

Will be on here more and more, and I am super active on twitter lately.

11 months. It’s been a while

Since then, I’ve made it through college, my parents and brother have moved across the country, and I found myself a great job in the north.

I’m down 27lbs.

 

I’m proud of myself, but I just feel like nothing I’ve done is an accomplishment, which is a contradiction in itself.  I got a job in my field, 40 days after graduating, with good pay, benefits, RRSP ect. But I don’t feel fulfilled.

 

M isn’t working. and I don’t mind, that was the deal, I just want him to keep up the place more. When I come home, theres dishes ect, and he’ll decide to start cleaning and doing dishes at 12am and come to be at 2:30am when I wake up at 3:45am to get up for my shift. His response was basically, if I want him to take care of the place, then I have to let him do it his way and not comment on it, or ask him to spend time with me because it takes away from his cleaning time.

So basically he said it was all my fault. That blew up and h threatened to leave me, and then got upset when I didn’t tell him not to go and beg him to stay.

 

Things are kinda better now, but since then I feel the depression coming back, I don’t want sex with him, I can’t open up to him, its all forced. I’m hopeless.

Make something of myself.

My challenge for myself.

I’ve been taking care of myself, eating less and doing squats and Calisthenics myself. Got some new clothes to help with my public appearance, since I’m going off in the south to see M and family for New Years. I’m actually excited, I’m going on a train, but also insanely anxious.  My skin cleared up, so that’s a positive. The cravings are down, but I still put milk in my coffee in the morning, I need to stop that. Goal is to be down 20 lbs by February 16th and 35 lbs by April 10th.

 

Graduating and going out to the real world is the biggest trigger right now, I need to work on my charm, people skills, and appearance. And I need to stop picking at my nail bed, no one wants to hire someone with ugly hands.

I’m not changing because of the new year, this is already in motion, I started again because I realized I can’t live the way I was, It’s just not for me.

My recovery, Ultimate happiness.

Making my videos public again. Discussing Recovery Goals

Unfamiliar territory.

Life is moving along. I got a job and an apartment, currently living alone. M might be able to stay with me for the summer, but still working on finding a job.

His father gave him a truck, and that’s a blessing for us, it will save us a lot of money. One less thing to worry about.

In other news, I now work in the gluten free bakery of Canada’s best spa. It’s a good job, I work with great people. I’m just so terribly lonely.

I’m falling into old habits, since college finished. I’m down to 120lbs. M has not noticed, thank god. Though the only reason why is that its been slow progress. Since moving in here, I made bread and ate some, and roasted a chicken and root veg. had about 300cals of beet and carrot, and 2oz of roasted chicken. I love my food scale, it’s so nice to have, for bread making and portion control.

Today I’m struggling to let myself eat. I don’t have a scale to weigh myself, and I didn’t bring my measuring tape to obsess over.I’m simply going to keep track by how my clothes fit. Hopefully M will understand I fluctuate 30lbs a year.

Communication Troubles are arising. How can he understand something I can’t even explain.

Yesterday was his birthday. I did all I could to make it special. I still can’t communicate with him. I can’t find words to let him know what I feel.

I hate that I can’t deal with emotions, Coping was going well. Not anymore. It doesn’t help that I’ve gained a ton of weight and feel like a massive hippo.

School is done now, and if I get one of the jobs I applied for, I probably won’t see him all summer. I don’t know how I’ll deal with that. It’ll take ajusting to be alone all the time again.

I can’t resort to people(friends) for comfort. my only choice is him and I don’t even know how to. It’s not his fault. He tried to understand, but how can he understand something I can’t even explain.

Deny, Die, Dye

I’ve spent my whole life depriving myself of things that I should have enjoyed. Not even food wise, long before I would just not bother ask for something because I felt like if I couldn’t do it myself, I don’t need it. To this day, I still feel like this, I hate needing help, being weak and vulnerable, I never let it show.

Now I’m just thinking of how, since M is away, I wanted to get myself off to relieve some stress, something I never really had a problem with. But this time, I couldn’t bear touching my body and feeling how much bigger I am… I couldn’t feel my ribs or hips, I had to look in the mirror, the dimples on my back were barely noticeable, covered by a layer of fat. It made me panic, so I took a zimmer and put on calm music to put myself to sleep, but I just feel into a semi-conscious state thinking of all the wrong things. Thinking now, this is what is causing me to relapse now.

Lately, my image is down and I think of death a lot, it’s slipping back in. Being alone has not helped, the struggle has been relentless, I know I can’t give up. I’m glad I have someone how keeps me going. The thought of him can help almost any of my thoughts. I use memories of him to calm down.. It’s not healthy. When I take z’s or benzo’s I can’t control my thoughts, all the bad stuff comes back and I’m too hazy to focus on M. I guess I shouldn’t use them, but it’s the only way to calm the sea. M says it’s not a bad thing, but I don’t like it.

The one thing I am looking forward to is dying my hair so my grey’s will be gone for a few weeks.

I’m quite vain.