December. Recovery and weight

Since last time here,

 

I’ve lost 7lbs, 117lbs now.

Positively, my eating has been reduced, and has taken it’s toll on my mental health at under 800 a day, but I feel like a better person.

I’ve been keeping oats, fresh fruit and meat once a day, when I’m not fasting and 2x a week I have around 400cals of pasta or bread.

Got some new VS bras for work, and the support is amazing.
With all the lifting my job entails, I’ve been getting toned, but I’ve abandoned recover, as I see no point to it.

 

M and I have talked about a lot, we might move down south again, as an opportunity has presented itself, I just don’t know if I’m cut out for living close to my in-laws. They’re just such different people than I know, and I know it’s not fair, but I feel their ignorant for being all anglo.

 

 

I’ve gotten a raise, a work bonus and praise from my managers but the plant manager still hates me.

 

Will be on here more and more, and I am super active on twitter lately.

11 months. It’s been a while

Since then, I’ve made it through college, my parents and brother have moved across the country, and I found myself a great job in the north.

I’m down 27lbs.

 

I’m proud of myself, but I just feel like nothing I’ve done is an accomplishment, which is a contradiction in itself.  I got a job in my field, 40 days after graduating, with good pay, benefits, RRSP ect. But I don’t feel fulfilled.

 

M isn’t working. and I don’t mind, that was the deal, I just want him to keep up the place more. When I come home, theres dishes ect, and he’ll decide to start cleaning and doing dishes at 12am and come to be at 2:30am when I wake up at 3:45am to get up for my shift. His response was basically, if I want him to take care of the place, then I have to let him do it his way and not comment on it, or ask him to spend time with me because it takes away from his cleaning time.

So basically he said it was all my fault. That blew up and h threatened to leave me, and then got upset when I didn’t tell him not to go and beg him to stay.

 

Things are kinda better now, but since then I feel the depression coming back, I don’t want sex with him, I can’t open up to him, its all forced. I’m hopeless.

Screwed myself over.

So my period’s late, 6 days late. I’m trying not to stress because in the past month I’ve moved over 300km, Made tons of changes to my life, changed my cannabis routine, and have just gotten off working 10 days straight. Is it still ok to convince myself that it’s just stress? I’m not sure, but I’m going to stick to it until July comes.   I use spermicide and a cervical cap as BC, so I don’t think that an accidental pregnancy is possible, I’m very rigid about following the directions, This is the last thing I want. I can’t let myself worry yet. If it does happen to be what I’m panicking about, then I’m leaving M. I can’t ruin his life because of my incompetence. I don’t even know if I could tell him, if it comes down that that is what’s going on. Ok, just stop stressing. I’m drinking tons of herbal teas to try and induce uterine contractions and get my menses going.
So the point of this post is for herbs not to consume during pregnancy as they may cause miscarriage:
These are not foods, but non the less important:
Herbs that should not be used during pregnancy are:
• Aloe Vera  The leaves are strongly purgative and should not be taken internally.
• Thuja, Arbor vitae (Thuja occidentalis)  A uterine and menstrual stimulant that could damage the fetus.
• Autumn crocus (Colichicum autumnale)  Can affect cell division and lead to birth defects.
• Barberry (Berberis vulgaris)  Contains high levels of berberine, known to stimulate uterine contractions.
• Basil oil  A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Beth root (Trillium erectum) A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Black cohosh (Cimicifuga racemosus) May lead to premature contractions; avoid unless under professional guidance. Safe to use during childbirth.
• Bloodroot (Sanguinaria canadensis) A uterine stimulant that in quite small doses also causes vomiting.
• Blue cohosh (Caulophyllum thalictroides) A uterine stimulant to avoid unless under professional guidance. Safe to use during childbirth.
• Broom (Cytisus scoparius) Causes uterine contractions so should be avoided during pregnancy; in parts of Europe it is given after the birth to prevent blood loss.
• Bugleweed (Lycopus virginicus) Interferes with hormone production in the pituitary gland, so best avoided.
• Clove oil A uterine stimulant used only during labor.
• Comfrey (Symphytum officinale) Contains toxic chemicals that will cross the placenta; do not take internally.
• Cotton root (Gossypium herbaceum) Uterine stimulant traditionally given to encourage contractions during a difficult labor, but rarely used medicinally today.
• Devil’s claw (Harpagophytum procumbens) Uterine stimulant, oxytocic.
• Dong quai (Angelica polymorpha var. sinensis) Uterine and menstrual stimulant, best avoided during pregnancy;ideal after childbirth.
• False unicorn root (Chamaelirium luteum) A hormonal stimulant to avoid unless under professional guidance.
• Feverfew (Tanacetum parthenium) Uterine stimulant; may cause premature contractions.
• Golden seal (Hydrastis canadensis) Uterine stimulant; may lead to premature contractions but safe during childbirth.
• Greater celandine (Chelidonium majus) Uterine stimulant; may cause premature contractions.
• Juniper and juniper oil (Juniperus communis) A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Lady’s mantle (Alchemilla xanthoclora) A uterine stimulant; use only in labor.
• Liferoot (Senecio aureus) A uterine stimulant containing toxic chemicals that will cross the placenta.
• Mistletoe (Viscum album) A uterine stimulant containing toxic chemicals that may cross the placenta.
• Mugwort (Artemesia vulgaris) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects; avoid unless under professional guidance. Also avoid when breastfeeding.
• American pennyroyal (Hedeoma pulegioides) Reputed uterine stimulant to be avoided during pregnancy.
• European pennyroyal (Mentha pulegium) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects; avoid unless under professional guidance. Also avoid when breastfeeding.
• Peruvian bark (Cinchona officinalis) Toxic; excess may cause blindness and coma. Used to treat malaria and given during pregnancy only to malaria sufferers under professional guidance.
• Pokeroot (Phytolacca decandra) May cause birth defects.
• Pseudoginseng (Panax notoginseng) May cause birth defects.
• Pulsatilla (Anemone pulsatilla) Menstrual stimulant best avoided during pregnancy; limited use during lactation.
• Rue (Ruta graveolens) Uterine and menstrual stimulant; may cause premature contractions.
• Sassafras (Sassafras albidum) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects.
• Shepherd’s purse (Capsella bursa-pastoris) A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Southernwood (Artemisia abrotanum) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects; avoid unless under professional guidance. Also avoid when breastfeeding.
• Squill (Urginea maritima) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects.
• Tansy (Tanacetum vulgare) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects.
• Wild yam (Diascorea villosa) A uterine stimulant to avoid unless under professional guidance; safe during labor.
• Wormwood (Artemisia absinthum) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects

Communication Troubles are arising. How can he understand something I can’t even explain.

Yesterday was his birthday. I did all I could to make it special. I still can’t communicate with him. I can’t find words to let him know what I feel.

I hate that I can’t deal with emotions, Coping was going well. Not anymore. It doesn’t help that I’ve gained a ton of weight and feel like a massive hippo.

School is done now, and if I get one of the jobs I applied for, I probably won’t see him all summer. I don’t know how I’ll deal with that. It’ll take ajusting to be alone all the time again.

I can’t resort to people(friends) for comfort. my only choice is him and I don’t even know how to. It’s not his fault. He tried to understand, but how can he understand something I can’t even explain.

Break me

Today I slept 16 hours. I have figured out how to save Michael from seeing my mania, if I do well, and let my mania run it’s course, I’ll be burnt by January, in the mean time, he’ll only see me like that for two days. If I let everything go to shit for 3 weeks, It’ll help me in recovery. And I won’t fuck up a semester of college. Eating in front of my peers every lab has been exhausting.. One of the last labs, a fellow student mentioned how it was the first time I ever finished something we tasted, and we only take bite sized samples, everyone agreed and laughed, I felt humiliated. I’ve been trying so hard. It has now been six months, and I’m eating almost every day. M knows. We went on a trip and I ate in 3 restaurants in one day. That was so hard not to purge. I knew if I did he would get all the more concerned so I struggled and kept it down, which led me to be a bitch all day. I met his parents, and ate dinner in front of all of them, that’s an other step. Everything is baby steps. I love him. I don’t know how to let him know about my struggles.

I met his mother, stepfather and brother also. I think that went well. I had a beer beforehand, I think it helped. but I was still very shy. M said I did well, so that makes me feel good. I just hope I don’t embarrass him. I miss him terribly. sleeping is the only way I can think solely of him, in a limbo, half conscious state. It’s terrible really to think. But if I work with this, I will sleep no longer until I’m with him again, and when we see each other, everything will be better

My parents are teasing me that I don’t have a boyfriend for christmas, little do they know he’s coming to stay with us for the weekend, I have to pluck up the courage to tell them. I can’t tell M I don’t have the balls to tell them he’s coming…                It won’t surprise me if I tell them hours before he arrives.

I sound like a happy lovely girl now, praising about him, but it has not pleased me to write this, it just put salt in the wound.

December is bliss

Working on making myself into someone who doesn’t freak out all the time. If I can succeed then I’ll be able to move along with this. I am extremely anxious over this term being over.
After I finish my twelve days of exams and figure out my court situation I’m going off on a road trip with M.Meeting his mother is the most nerve wreaking thing I could think of. I want to make sure she likes me. And the best part of this trip, my favorite part I think is going to visit a cute farm that M thinks is perfect, I do too. It give me hope to have someone like him in my life. My recovery is weird, I have made progress to put some rituals behind me, and accept food, but I have only managed to do that for food I make myself. The next step would be to actually go out to a restaurant. If I can manage that, I know real progress will have been made.
I did go to a christmas dinner with M as a school function, but it didn’t go as planned, and I could stop the thought, so it happened. But I’m not letting myself get beat up over it, this happens, right? I fucking hope so, because I feel doomed.

Other than that, I don’t know what else to say. Life just keeps happening, and all I can do is wade through