December. Recovery and weight

Since last time here,

 

I’ve lost 7lbs, 117lbs now.

Positively, my eating has been reduced, and has taken it’s toll on my mental health at under 800 a day, but I feel like a better person.

I’ve been keeping oats, fresh fruit and meat once a day, when I’m not fasting and 2x a week I have around 400cals of pasta or bread.

Got some new VS bras for work, and the support is amazing.
With all the lifting my job entails, I’ve been getting toned, but I’ve abandoned recover, as I see no point to it.

 

M and I have talked about a lot, we might move down south again, as an opportunity has presented itself, I just don’t know if I’m cut out for living close to my in-laws. They’re just such different people than I know, and I know it’s not fair, but I feel their ignorant for being all anglo.

 

 

I’ve gotten a raise, a work bonus and praise from my managers but the plant manager still hates me.

 

Will be on here more and more, and I am super active on twitter lately.

Make something of myself.

My challenge for myself.

I’ve been taking care of myself, eating less and doing squats and Calisthenics myself. Got some new clothes to help with my public appearance, since I’m going off in the south to see M and family for New Years. I’m actually excited, I’m going on a train, but also insanely anxious.  My skin cleared up, so that’s a positive. The cravings are down, but I still put milk in my coffee in the morning, I need to stop that. Goal is to be down 20 lbs by February 16th and 35 lbs by April 10th.

 

Graduating and going out to the real world is the biggest trigger right now, I need to work on my charm, people skills, and appearance. And I need to stop picking at my nail bed, no one wants to hire someone with ugly hands.

I’m not changing because of the new year, this is already in motion, I started again because I realized I can’t live the way I was, It’s just not for me.

Screwed myself over.

So my period’s late, 6 days late. I’m trying not to stress because in the past month I’ve moved over 300km, Made tons of changes to my life, changed my cannabis routine, and have just gotten off working 10 days straight. Is it still ok to convince myself that it’s just stress? I’m not sure, but I’m going to stick to it until July comes.   I use spermicide and a cervical cap as BC, so I don’t think that an accidental pregnancy is possible, I’m very rigid about following the directions, This is the last thing I want. I can’t let myself worry yet. If it does happen to be what I’m panicking about, then I’m leaving M. I can’t ruin his life because of my incompetence. I don’t even know if I could tell him, if it comes down that that is what’s going on. Ok, just stop stressing. I’m drinking tons of herbal teas to try and induce uterine contractions and get my menses going.
So the point of this post is for herbs not to consume during pregnancy as they may cause miscarriage:
These are not foods, but non the less important:
Herbs that should not be used during pregnancy are:
• Aloe Vera  The leaves are strongly purgative and should not be taken internally.
• Thuja, Arbor vitae (Thuja occidentalis)  A uterine and menstrual stimulant that could damage the fetus.
• Autumn crocus (Colichicum autumnale)  Can affect cell division and lead to birth defects.
• Barberry (Berberis vulgaris)  Contains high levels of berberine, known to stimulate uterine contractions.
• Basil oil  A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Beth root (Trillium erectum) A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Black cohosh (Cimicifuga racemosus) May lead to premature contractions; avoid unless under professional guidance. Safe to use during childbirth.
• Bloodroot (Sanguinaria canadensis) A uterine stimulant that in quite small doses also causes vomiting.
• Blue cohosh (Caulophyllum thalictroides) A uterine stimulant to avoid unless under professional guidance. Safe to use during childbirth.
• Broom (Cytisus scoparius) Causes uterine contractions so should be avoided during pregnancy; in parts of Europe it is given after the birth to prevent blood loss.
• Bugleweed (Lycopus virginicus) Interferes with hormone production in the pituitary gland, so best avoided.
• Clove oil A uterine stimulant used only during labor.
• Comfrey (Symphytum officinale) Contains toxic chemicals that will cross the placenta; do not take internally.
• Cotton root (Gossypium herbaceum) Uterine stimulant traditionally given to encourage contractions during a difficult labor, but rarely used medicinally today.
• Devil’s claw (Harpagophytum procumbens) Uterine stimulant, oxytocic.
• Dong quai (Angelica polymorpha var. sinensis) Uterine and menstrual stimulant, best avoided during pregnancy;ideal after childbirth.
• False unicorn root (Chamaelirium luteum) A hormonal stimulant to avoid unless under professional guidance.
• Feverfew (Tanacetum parthenium) Uterine stimulant; may cause premature contractions.
• Golden seal (Hydrastis canadensis) Uterine stimulant; may lead to premature contractions but safe during childbirth.
• Greater celandine (Chelidonium majus) Uterine stimulant; may cause premature contractions.
• Juniper and juniper oil (Juniperus communis) A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Lady’s mantle (Alchemilla xanthoclora) A uterine stimulant; use only in labor.
• Liferoot (Senecio aureus) A uterine stimulant containing toxic chemicals that will cross the placenta.
• Mistletoe (Viscum album) A uterine stimulant containing toxic chemicals that may cross the placenta.
• Mugwort (Artemesia vulgaris) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects; avoid unless under professional guidance. Also avoid when breastfeeding.
• American pennyroyal (Hedeoma pulegioides) Reputed uterine stimulant to be avoided during pregnancy.
• European pennyroyal (Mentha pulegium) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects; avoid unless under professional guidance. Also avoid when breastfeeding.
• Peruvian bark (Cinchona officinalis) Toxic; excess may cause blindness and coma. Used to treat malaria and given during pregnancy only to malaria sufferers under professional guidance.
• Pokeroot (Phytolacca decandra) May cause birth defects.
• Pseudoginseng (Panax notoginseng) May cause birth defects.
• Pulsatilla (Anemone pulsatilla) Menstrual stimulant best avoided during pregnancy; limited use during lactation.
• Rue (Ruta graveolens) Uterine and menstrual stimulant; may cause premature contractions.
• Sassafras (Sassafras albidum) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects.
• Shepherd’s purse (Capsella bursa-pastoris) A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Southernwood (Artemisia abrotanum) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects; avoid unless under professional guidance. Also avoid when breastfeeding.
• Squill (Urginea maritima) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects.
• Tansy (Tanacetum vulgare) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects.
• Wild yam (Diascorea villosa) A uterine stimulant to avoid unless under professional guidance; safe during labor.
• Wormwood (Artemisia absinthum) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects

Need to start tracking and measuring progress

I purged last night. There went over a year of convincing myself it didn’t need to be done, here I find myself spiralling back… I can’t let this happen.

DAILY JOURNALING QUESTIONS:
1. Today, the feelings I most identify with are:
_Anxiety
_Sadness
_Pain
_Shame
_Fear
_Anger
_Lonely
_Guilt
_Joy

_Other

2. My Overall emotional experience today is
_Very hot (extreme)
_Hot (significant)
_Warm (moderate)
_Lukewarm (mild)
_Cold (numb)
-Because: _

3) The issues/struggles I need to deal with are:

4) What I need to help me at this time is:

5) The positive steps I’ve made today were:

6) My desire/motivation toward recovery is: (on a scale on 1-10)

7) My goal(s) for tomorrow are:

8) How did my goals go for today?:

9) What happened today good and/or bad? Describe.

10) This is how I feel. Explain why you have that feeling.

11) This is what I need.

Daily Skills Card:

ON A SCALE OF 1-10
Negative Thinking:
Bad Body Image:
Restrict:
Binge:
Purge:
Over-exercise:
Use Substances:
Self-Harm/Suicide:

Pain/Hurt:
Lonley:
Shame:
Guilt:
Anger:
Fear/Anxiety:
Joy:

Did you–
Use Substances:
Self-Harm:
Restrict:
Binge:
Purge:
Over-exercise:
Isolate:
Use Dishonesty:
Have an Outburst or Hold Emotions In:

Skills Used:
Skills That I Could Use:

Triggering Events:

Ways I hold on to my eating disorder:

Ways I am practicing recovery:

Things That Brought Joy:

(Source:Remuda Ranch)

Holidays.. or Helldays

I don’t particularly like this time of year, winter has always been my worst time, and fighting it is terrible and constant. M told me I did well with him, I tried quite hard also.. Sweets are hard, and he enjoys them so.. And cheese, the two worst things. But I can’t get pissy with him. He told me yesterday, as we were eating tabbouleh and raisin buns with sheep gouda (a Dutch thing) that he’s fattening me up. I simply stated I knew that and my way of response seemed to shock him in some way.. I don’t really know why… And I also got my special fanta that I enjoyed about 250ml, which is 65 cal.. Imported soda is quite enjoyable… That’s about all for now.. The title was meant for something else, but I didn’t have the energy to write about it.

10 Days

It’s dawning on me, next week I’m moving out, into residence, I’m responsible for feeding myself. That scares me. I’m not good at eating throughout the day, I enjoy the blackouts and fainting from low blood pressure, it feeds my disease’s needs. Once I’m on my own, if I go back to eating just dinner, I’m screwing myself over, recovery and future wise. I need to smarten up. My thoughts are already negative, bad body image will not help me succeed in college, I need to kick it out of my head. A struggle that seems impossible. Day by day goes by, I pack up little by little, making list, what I can eat, what I will eat, what I won’t eat, what I can afford to eat, and all I can think is that this is as bad as my restricting, this is not recovery, it’s stress. 

16 days

I went grocery shopping today, farmers market and the store… First place I went to, the store smelled like rotten meat, so I drove 25 minutes out of my way to a reputable grocer. I bought fresh peaches, pineapple, frozen fruit, cabbage, bread and all, without my little brother thinking I’m obsessing (He knows, and doesn’t let me ponder over food choices) We also got ingredients for pizza tonight, with homemade dough (I have to make later) I also bought him to a quaint bakery and we got croissants and pecan tarts, I had one of each. which is a big step because I didn’t have coffee today, pastries on a truly empty stomach. Now I don’t feel hungry or bloated, maybe this is what full is like… Anyways no pondering, today is the most ‘normal’ food I’ve planned in ingesting in 6 year. This is progress. 

My Orthorexia and Recovery.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pAgVwK9_NQ

I’m not Sure.

I’ve been having second thoughts. About everything, school, my lover, even just living.

Recovery food wise is alright, I’ve been eating lunch every two days, and dinner most every day, yesterday was carrots ans some roast beef, a slice of bread with butter, 3 raisin oatmeal cookies.  Emotional recovery, not so well. I know during ”refeeding” you’re supposed to feel hungry all the time, and it’s alright, but I cant get over it. Hunger to me is mental satisfaction. And until food is good to me, i’m going to enjoy my hunger.

Time to Type.

I need to talk, and I have no one to talk to, so this is my outlet.

My recovery is not going well. Today I ate a tomatoes and toast, and for dinner more tomato and two eggs. I don’t know what got over me today, But I ate hawkins’s cheezies, I haven’t had those since I was 12. I ate a whole 200g bag, that was over 1000 calories. I’m almost ashamed of that. I feel disgusting. I cannot let that happen, I need to stick to good nourishing food. I’m not helping myself. Recovery is a journey,  not a mess