11 months. It’s been a while

Since then, I’ve made it through college, my parents and brother have moved across the country, and I found myself a great job in the north.

I’m down 27lbs.

 

I’m proud of myself, but I just feel like nothing I’ve done is an accomplishment, which is a contradiction in itself.  I got a job in my field, 40 days after graduating, with good pay, benefits, RRSP ect. But I don’t feel fulfilled.

 

M isn’t working. and I don’t mind, that was the deal, I just want him to keep up the place more. When I come home, theres dishes ect, and he’ll decide to start cleaning and doing dishes at 12am and come to be at 2:30am when I wake up at 3:45am to get up for my shift. His response was basically, if I want him to take care of the place, then I have to let him do it his way and not comment on it, or ask him to spend time with me because it takes away from his cleaning time.

So basically he said it was all my fault. That blew up and h threatened to leave me, and then got upset when I didn’t tell him not to go and beg him to stay.

 

Things are kinda better now, but since then I feel the depression coming back, I don’t want sex with him, I can’t open up to him, its all forced. I’m hopeless.

My recovery, Ultimate happiness.

Making my videos public again. Discussing Recovery Goals

Unfamiliar territory.

Life is moving along. I got a job and an apartment, currently living alone. M might be able to stay with me for the summer, but still working on finding a job.

His father gave him a truck, and that’s a blessing for us, it will save us a lot of money. One less thing to worry about.

In other news, I now work in the gluten free bakery of Canada’s best spa. It’s a good job, I work with great people. I’m just so terribly lonely.

I’m falling into old habits, since college finished. I’m down to 120lbs. M has not noticed, thank god. Though the only reason why is that its been slow progress. Since moving in here, I made bread and ate some, and roasted a chicken and root veg. had about 300cals of beet and carrot, and 2oz of roasted chicken. I love my food scale, it’s so nice to have, for bread making and portion control.

Today I’m struggling to let myself eat. I don’t have a scale to weigh myself, and I didn’t bring my measuring tape to obsess over.I’m simply going to keep track by how my clothes fit. Hopefully M will understand I fluctuate 30lbs a year.

I want to talk, I just have nothing worth saying

I can’t deal now because I feel like I put so much more in than he does, and when I mention it, he totally disregards me and I end up apologizing. Also, he gets frustrated when I apologize, it’s just an endless cycle
I can’t even deal because my grandmother passed away monday and he hasn’t given me any slack. If I get upset, he tells me to calm down. I know it’s silly to be upset over the things I do, but just let it be, I don’t know how to grieve.

I clean up our room, do his laundry, and dishes. I make him coffee every morning and dinner every night…  I take care of him as best as I can; all my friends tell me I spoil him and he doesn’t appreciate what I do for him, and I do feel that way some times, but when I bring it up to talk about, he always makes me feel like I’m in the wrong for complaining. I don’t know what to do, he doesn’t take me seriously. Every time I try, it ends up going in the complete wrong direction.

Like today, I just finished my period, so I came to ‘bother’ him, but he was sleeping and got angry because I was tickling him. Which is totally fine. But later when I mentioned I hadn’t got off in two days, he scoffed and gave me ‘the look’ Because of last night. Even though last night I got him off, and he promised to do the same, but forgot, hours later I bring it up, and he tries to remedy it, but I didn’t end up getting off. Now today when I mention how hot and bothered I’ve been all day he looks at me and sarcastically said how neglected I am for having a boyfriend how didn’t have sex with me for one day. And understand it’s not that that’s bothering me, It’s the fact I got him off twice and I didn’t get anything back. Also not helping that I’m going home for the weekend and won’t be back till monday.
I mean all I was asking for was an orgasm.

It doesn’t help that I don’t have any pot to keep me calm, and I don’t want to pop pills. The stress is getting to me. I don’t like having to tiptoe and having to constantly be reassured, and that’s exactly what I have become, Why do I always do this? I have been smoking a lot less, make 2gs last 8 days, which is very good for me. It has not been good for my anxiety, and I need to let my fingers heal. I try to distract myself with M, but it doesn’t always work.

I have to figure out how to cope, and if this is what I want. I can’t keep going on without communication, at first, I honestly thought it was going to get better, M always told me talking helps. Now it seems he’s got fed up with me trying to talk. I know it’s just him being a boy, like how I’ll tell him I miss him because I spent all day in class and he’s on the computer, and he’ll just laugh and tell me he’s right here. It’s stupid stuff like that that makes me upset.

Also, he’s very passive-aggressive about my eating, but I don’t know what to do because I feel like I’m doing well, very well considering the circumstances. I just don’t know how to get it across to him that I need to feel appreciated, Important to him. The more he ignores the things I do, the more I go out of my way for him, hoping he’ll notice some of the stuff I do for him. I know it’ll get me nowhere, but that’s all I know how to do.

Holidays.. or Helldays

I don’t particularly like this time of year, winter has always been my worst time, and fighting it is terrible and constant. M told me I did well with him, I tried quite hard also.. Sweets are hard, and he enjoys them so.. And cheese, the two worst things. But I can’t get pissy with him. He told me yesterday, as we were eating tabbouleh and raisin buns with sheep gouda (a Dutch thing) that he’s fattening me up. I simply stated I knew that and my way of response seemed to shock him in some way.. I don’t really know why… And I also got my special fanta that I enjoyed about 250ml, which is 65 cal.. Imported soda is quite enjoyable… That’s about all for now.. The title was meant for something else, but I didn’t have the energy to write about it.

Break me

Today I slept 16 hours. I have figured out how to save Michael from seeing my mania, if I do well, and let my mania run it’s course, I’ll be burnt by January, in the mean time, he’ll only see me like that for two days. If I let everything go to shit for 3 weeks, It’ll help me in recovery. And I won’t fuck up a semester of college. Eating in front of my peers every lab has been exhausting.. One of the last labs, a fellow student mentioned how it was the first time I ever finished something we tasted, and we only take bite sized samples, everyone agreed and laughed, I felt humiliated. I’ve been trying so hard. It has now been six months, and I’m eating almost every day. M knows. We went on a trip and I ate in 3 restaurants in one day. That was so hard not to purge. I knew if I did he would get all the more concerned so I struggled and kept it down, which led me to be a bitch all day. I met his parents, and ate dinner in front of all of them, that’s an other step. Everything is baby steps. I love him. I don’t know how to let him know about my struggles.

I met his mother, stepfather and brother also. I think that went well. I had a beer beforehand, I think it helped. but I was still very shy. M said I did well, so that makes me feel good. I just hope I don’t embarrass him. I miss him terribly. sleeping is the only way I can think solely of him, in a limbo, half conscious state. It’s terrible really to think. But if I work with this, I will sleep no longer until I’m with him again, and when we see each other, everything will be better

My parents are teasing me that I don’t have a boyfriend for christmas, little do they know he’s coming to stay with us for the weekend, I have to pluck up the courage to tell them. I can’t tell M I don’t have the balls to tell them he’s coming…                It won’t surprise me if I tell them hours before he arrives.

I sound like a happy lovely girl now, praising about him, but it has not pleased me to write this, it just put salt in the wound.

16 days

I went grocery shopping today, farmers market and the store… First place I went to, the store smelled like rotten meat, so I drove 25 minutes out of my way to a reputable grocer. I bought fresh peaches, pineapple, frozen fruit, cabbage, bread and all, without my little brother thinking I’m obsessing (He knows, and doesn’t let me ponder over food choices) We also got ingredients for pizza tonight, with homemade dough (I have to make later) I also bought him to a quaint bakery and we got croissants and pecan tarts, I had one of each. which is a big step because I didn’t have coffee today, pastries on a truly empty stomach. Now I don’t feel hungry or bloated, maybe this is what full is like… Anyways no pondering, today is the most ‘normal’ food I’ve planned in ingesting in 6 year. This is progress. 

Nick

Nick tells me he loves me.

It makes me feel good about myself. He has never made me feel like my ex has, I always feel valued. I’m not good alone, I need support. I need someone. He is that someone right now, but I don’t want to use him. I tell him I love him back, But I can’t help but feel it’s because I can’t bear being alone. We don’t have a real relationship, we just see each other when we have time, but oh, do I crave for it to be more.