Promised myself 3 things

1. Stop hiding things from M, whether it be if I’m upset, my feelings and anxiety, even this blog is hidden from him. Being in a relationship is about trust and understanding, and I know that he trusts me.

2. Stop putting so much pressure on myself. I don’t need to take care of him for him to love me. He just does. Getting up on my days off to make him coffee, or cleaning up after him, cooking for him, doing all these things ”for him” needs to stop. He loves me for who I am. Period.

I am responsible for who I am and how healthy my emotions are. With the recent trying event, this will prove to be hard. Self harm is not an option, M has told me many times he will be angry with me if I resort to SH. He says talking helps everything, but how can I share all these horrible things with him? K,get back to the point of this post. Stop hiding.

3.Stop putting myself down for my bad english/lack of knowledge. This is going to be the most challenging.

Leaving my parent’s place

I forget how toxic it is here. My mother is a cruel person, always nagging about my looks, weight, how I don’t shave my legs. I leave on the train in 2 days, right before the new years. I would like to share this all to M but I don’t feel it’s my place. I feel like I need to keep it all inside, especially since I’ll be around his family.
That makes me equally anxious, because I have to go to a new years party with about 30 people I’ve never met. M tells me not to worry, that I can drink and get high, but I don’t want that, I want to be with him. Instead I have to cook and clean up stuff and worry about the gifts his parents got me. I just want to lay in bed for days. I’m so sick of everything.

Drizzly drizzle

I’ve been away for over 40 days. I know, I know. Much has changed, but lots has also stayed the same. Lately I’ve being recoilling into myself more and more.
Lately I’ve been trying to do good, and keep everything clean and make nice meals and keep up with school and social activities. This led me to start masturbating because M and I would never have free time together to be intimate, we have different scheduals, and he hangs out with S all the time to watch a show, while I cook and clean and make things happen in our dorm.Touching myself more started to bring more self confidence in myself.
Just one problem, now I cringe when M touches me. I hate it, I’d rather do it myself. and this is all my fault because I’ve been meaning to talk to him about needing slower foreplay, but I just haven’t had the balls to talk about it. It’s not really that even. I just don’t know how to start the conversation without him telling me everything I say isn’t true and putting me down for telling him how I feel.

On our affection, things are much better, this is one thing that has made coping so much easier for me. I know he cares and loves me, just sometimes I need a little extra effort

One night, not too long ago, we were lying in bed and just talking, it was really late, and he was speaking of his childhood, I mentioned that he doesn’t talk about the past much, so we both asked each other question about our lives and events we’ve been through. Coming clean about my past was a great weight lifted from my shoulders, but now I feel incredibly vulnerable, I don’t like this feeling, but I know I have to get through it to become whole again. Since telling him though, dark thoughts have surfaced again, I have managed to keep them at bay so far.

I don’t like being in the absyss like this. I get no good out of it. The urge to S.H. is always a nagging thought, for the stupidest things, and S.H. is the one thing I can never talk to M about because I believe he feels it’s attention seeking behaviour, and he has told me if he ever sees evidence of self harm, he’ll leave me.

I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life anymore.

I have failed at communicating once again.Tonight it started with an ”I miss you” which led to an argument about how I’m alone, and would like to go out with him more, and ended with him telling me it’s my fault I’m always alone, and that expecting him to come get me is unrealistic. Which I completely understand, but that’s not what I was talking about. I just want him to be around more.And telling him that led to me talking about how all I do is schoolwork and cook and clean and I just need something different in my life, and all I have is him, how I know it’s wrong to be dependant on him like that and that I’m working on it, but honestly I don’t think he was listening, that was the only part of the conversation he did not acknowledge.. All my intentions were to let him know I miss him. I started it, I know, but he took it out of context and now I’m upset and feel like I don’t do enough once again, even though most our arguments are that I need more help with stuff around the dorm. This led to him asking what I have cleaned this week, because the dorm is a mess (this killed me inside because I try so hard to keep it nice for him) and then when I brought up how I cleaned the apartment this summer he straight up said he didn’t believe me and when this gave me a panic attack and I started hyperventilating, and he got pissed and left. Now he’s back and we’re currently sitting beside each other, not a word spoken since he walked out. We had the same argument all summer, should I really expect something different? Not really. It’s my own fault. I am a pushover. I’m still recooping from this summer, it drained me. I’m overwhelmed and every time I talk about it, this argument happens, and I end up a mess, feeling like I don’t do a good enough job and end up feeling guilty having to ask him for help. So in other words, everything is the same as it’s been since last year.

It’s been two months.

I’ve made it through the summer, finished my contract, moved back into A and back in school.
Classes have taken up again and I have not been motivated. If I don’t have a class scheduled I just sleep.
I need to inspire myself, to stop running myself into the ground and being miserable. 21 months clean.
Honestly I’ve felt the need for self harm again, I haven’t given in yet, and I’m trying to stay strong.
I need to take back what makes me happy, and I want to feel desirable again.
I hate my weight. I have gained and just dealing with all my stress from life is too much.
The only good aspect is my parents are moving out west, so I will truly be free. I can decide what I want.
Taking care of M is still priority over me, I never put myself first.
Have been eating once a day again since I’m back, with most of the veg from my garden and meat from the local butcher.
I feel back  on track I just see no progress

My recovery, Ultimate happiness.

Making my videos public again. Discussing Recovery Goals

Screwed myself over.

So my period’s late, 6 days late. I’m trying not to stress because in the past month I’ve moved over 300km, Made tons of changes to my life, changed my cannabis routine, and have just gotten off working 10 days straight. Is it still ok to convince myself that it’s just stress? I’m not sure, but I’m going to stick to it until July comes.   I use spermicide and a cervical cap as BC, so I don’t think that an accidental pregnancy is possible, I’m very rigid about following the directions, This is the last thing I want. I can’t let myself worry yet. If it does happen to be what I’m panicking about, then I’m leaving M. I can’t ruin his life because of my incompetence. I don’t even know if I could tell him, if it comes down that that is what’s going on. Ok, just stop stressing. I’m drinking tons of herbal teas to try and induce uterine contractions and get my menses going.
So the point of this post is for herbs not to consume during pregnancy as they may cause miscarriage:
These are not foods, but non the less important:
Herbs that should not be used during pregnancy are:
• Aloe Vera  The leaves are strongly purgative and should not be taken internally.
• Thuja, Arbor vitae (Thuja occidentalis)  A uterine and menstrual stimulant that could damage the fetus.
• Autumn crocus (Colichicum autumnale)  Can affect cell division and lead to birth defects.
• Barberry (Berberis vulgaris)  Contains high levels of berberine, known to stimulate uterine contractions.
• Basil oil  A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Beth root (Trillium erectum) A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Black cohosh (Cimicifuga racemosus) May lead to premature contractions; avoid unless under professional guidance. Safe to use during childbirth.
• Bloodroot (Sanguinaria canadensis) A uterine stimulant that in quite small doses also causes vomiting.
• Blue cohosh (Caulophyllum thalictroides) A uterine stimulant to avoid unless under professional guidance. Safe to use during childbirth.
• Broom (Cytisus scoparius) Causes uterine contractions so should be avoided during pregnancy; in parts of Europe it is given after the birth to prevent blood loss.
• Bugleweed (Lycopus virginicus) Interferes with hormone production in the pituitary gland, so best avoided.
• Clove oil A uterine stimulant used only during labor.
• Comfrey (Symphytum officinale) Contains toxic chemicals that will cross the placenta; do not take internally.
• Cotton root (Gossypium herbaceum) Uterine stimulant traditionally given to encourage contractions during a difficult labor, but rarely used medicinally today.
• Devil’s claw (Harpagophytum procumbens) Uterine stimulant, oxytocic.
• Dong quai (Angelica polymorpha var. sinensis) Uterine and menstrual stimulant, best avoided during pregnancy;ideal after childbirth.
• False unicorn root (Chamaelirium luteum) A hormonal stimulant to avoid unless under professional guidance.
• Feverfew (Tanacetum parthenium) Uterine stimulant; may cause premature contractions.
• Golden seal (Hydrastis canadensis) Uterine stimulant; may lead to premature contractions but safe during childbirth.
• Greater celandine (Chelidonium majus) Uterine stimulant; may cause premature contractions.
• Juniper and juniper oil (Juniperus communis) A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Lady’s mantle (Alchemilla xanthoclora) A uterine stimulant; use only in labor.
• Liferoot (Senecio aureus) A uterine stimulant containing toxic chemicals that will cross the placenta.
• Mistletoe (Viscum album) A uterine stimulant containing toxic chemicals that may cross the placenta.
• Mugwort (Artemesia vulgaris) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects; avoid unless under professional guidance. Also avoid when breastfeeding.
• American pennyroyal (Hedeoma pulegioides) Reputed uterine stimulant to be avoided during pregnancy.
• European pennyroyal (Mentha pulegium) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects; avoid unless under professional guidance. Also avoid when breastfeeding.
• Peruvian bark (Cinchona officinalis) Toxic; excess may cause blindness and coma. Used to treat malaria and given during pregnancy only to malaria sufferers under professional guidance.
• Pokeroot (Phytolacca decandra) May cause birth defects.
• Pseudoginseng (Panax notoginseng) May cause birth defects.
• Pulsatilla (Anemone pulsatilla) Menstrual stimulant best avoided during pregnancy; limited use during lactation.
• Rue (Ruta graveolens) Uterine and menstrual stimulant; may cause premature contractions.
• Sassafras (Sassafras albidum) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects.
• Shepherd’s purse (Capsella bursa-pastoris) A uterine stimulant; use only during labor.
• Southernwood (Artemisia abrotanum) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects; avoid unless under professional guidance. Also avoid when breastfeeding.
• Squill (Urginea maritima) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects.
• Tansy (Tanacetum vulgare) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects.
• Wild yam (Diascorea villosa) A uterine stimulant to avoid unless under professional guidance; safe during labor.
• Wormwood (Artemisia absinthum) A uterine stimulant that may also cause birth defects

Unfamiliar territory.

Life is moving along. I got a job and an apartment, currently living alone. M might be able to stay with me for the summer, but still working on finding a job.

His father gave him a truck, and that’s a blessing for us, it will save us a lot of money. One less thing to worry about.

In other news, I now work in the gluten free bakery of Canada’s best spa. It’s a good job, I work with great people. I’m just so terribly lonely.

I’m falling into old habits, since college finished. I’m down to 120lbs. M has not noticed, thank god. Though the only reason why is that its been slow progress. Since moving in here, I made bread and ate some, and roasted a chicken and root veg. had about 300cals of beet and carrot, and 2oz of roasted chicken. I love my food scale, it’s so nice to have, for bread making and portion control.

Today I’m struggling to let myself eat. I don’t have a scale to weigh myself, and I didn’t bring my measuring tape to obsess over.I’m simply going to keep track by how my clothes fit. Hopefully M will understand I fluctuate 30lbs a year.

Summer isn’t dry

I have been producing more tears than a waterworks plant.

M got angry at me today. I deserved it.

That’s all.

Communication Troubles are arising. How can he understand something I can’t even explain.

Yesterday was his birthday. I did all I could to make it special. I still can’t communicate with him. I can’t find words to let him know what I feel.

I hate that I can’t deal with emotions, Coping was going well. Not anymore. It doesn’t help that I’ve gained a ton of weight and feel like a massive hippo.

School is done now, and if I get one of the jobs I applied for, I probably won’t see him all summer. I don’t know how I’ll deal with that. It’ll take ajusting to be alone all the time again.

I can’t resort to people(friends) for comfort. my only choice is him and I don’t even know how to. It’s not his fault. He tried to understand, but how can he understand something I can’t even explain.