December. Recovery and weight

Since last time here,

 

I’ve lost 7lbs, 117lbs now.

Positively, my eating has been reduced, and has taken it’s toll on my mental health at under 800 a day, but I feel like a better person.

I’ve been keeping oats, fresh fruit and meat once a day, when I’m not fasting and 2x a week I have around 400cals of pasta or bread.

Got some new VS bras for work, and the support is amazing.
With all the lifting my job entails, I’ve been getting toned, but I’ve abandoned recover, as I see no point to it.

 

M and I have talked about a lot, we might move down south again, as an opportunity has presented itself, I just don’t know if I’m cut out for living close to my in-laws. They’re just such different people than I know, and I know it’s not fair, but I feel their ignorant for being all anglo.

 

 

I’ve gotten a raise, a work bonus and praise from my managers but the plant manager still hates me.

 

Will be on here more and more, and I am super active on twitter lately.

11 months. It’s been a while

Since then, I’ve made it through college, my parents and brother have moved across the country, and I found myself a great job in the north.

I’m down 27lbs.

 

I’m proud of myself, but I just feel like nothing I’ve done is an accomplishment, which is a contradiction in itself.  I got a job in my field, 40 days after graduating, with good pay, benefits, RRSP ect. But I don’t feel fulfilled.

 

M isn’t working. and I don’t mind, that was the deal, I just want him to keep up the place more. When I come home, theres dishes ect, and he’ll decide to start cleaning and doing dishes at 12am and come to be at 2:30am when I wake up at 3:45am to get up for my shift. His response was basically, if I want him to take care of the place, then I have to let him do it his way and not comment on it, or ask him to spend time with me because it takes away from his cleaning time.

So basically he said it was all my fault. That blew up and h threatened to leave me, and then got upset when I didn’t tell him not to go and beg him to stay.

 

Things are kinda better now, but since then I feel the depression coming back, I don’t want sex with him, I can’t open up to him, its all forced. I’m hopeless.

I thought of going back to therapy

Though, it didn’t last too long. Now that I’m an adult, it cost to see a therapist or anyone for help with mental health, begging at 140$/hour. I would pay that, if I thought it would help me. As I was looking for a therapist specialized in my issues, I realized that I’d have to go though it all again, built a relationship, trust, and expose myself, all to be told what I already know, occupational therapy, coping methods, mindfulness, existentialism, dysthymia.

After that realization I decided I must fix myself, but that has turned into fasting constantly. M has not been too pushy so it’s good for now.

 

More later.

Head is rushing.

Every time I stand my head goes black, I get dizzy.
I missed the head rushes. Two days and I’m back in my comfort zone.

Promised myself 3 things

1. Stop hiding things from M, whether it be if I’m upset, my feelings and anxiety, even this blog is hidden from him. Being in a relationship is about trust and understanding, and I know that he trusts me.

2. Stop putting so much pressure on myself. I don’t need to take care of him for him to love me. He just does. Getting up on my days off to make him coffee, or cleaning up after him, cooking for him, doing all these things ”for him” needs to stop. He loves me for who I am. Period.

I am responsible for who I am and how healthy my emotions are. With the recent trying event, this will prove to be hard. Self harm is not an option, M has told me many times he will be angry with me if I resort to SH. He says talking helps everything, but how can I share all these horrible things with him? K,get back to the point of this post. Stop hiding.

3.Stop putting myself down for my bad english/lack of knowledge. This is going to be the most challenging.

Leaving my parent’s place

I forget how toxic it is here. My mother is a cruel person, always nagging about my looks, weight, how I don’t shave my legs. I leave on the train in 2 days, right before the new years. I would like to share this all to M but I don’t feel it’s my place. I feel like I need to keep it all inside, especially since I’ll be around his family.
That makes me equally anxious, because I have to go to a new years party with about 30 people I’ve never met. M tells me not to worry, that I can drink and get high, but I don’t want that, I want to be with him. Instead I have to cook and clean up stuff and worry about the gifts his parents got me. I just want to lay in bed for days. I’m so sick of everything.

Make something of myself.

My challenge for myself.

I’ve been taking care of myself, eating less and doing squats and Calisthenics myself. Got some new clothes to help with my public appearance, since I’m going off in the south to see M and family for New Years. I’m actually excited, I’m going on a train, but also insanely anxious.  My skin cleared up, so that’s a positive. The cravings are down, but I still put milk in my coffee in the morning, I need to stop that. Goal is to be down 20 lbs by February 16th and 35 lbs by April 10th.

 

Graduating and going out to the real world is the biggest trigger right now, I need to work on my charm, people skills, and appearance. And I need to stop picking at my nail bed, no one wants to hire someone with ugly hands.

I’m not changing because of the new year, this is already in motion, I started again because I realized I can’t live the way I was, It’s just not for me.

Today I realized it doesn’t have to be perfect.

I have come around to this thought, today, as I am almost 20 years old, that it doesn’t have to be perfect.. You can be asymetrical, you can cut a kiwi with a spoon and not use a knife and witht this I can appreciate it even more than if I had made it perfect. Stop stressing about the little things. Enjoy your goddamned kiwi.

Drizzly drizzle

I’ve been away for over 40 days. I know, I know. Much has changed, but lots has also stayed the same. Lately I’ve being recoilling into myself more and more.
Lately I’ve been trying to do good, and keep everything clean and make nice meals and keep up with school and social activities. This led me to start masturbating because M and I would never have free time together to be intimate, we have different scheduals, and he hangs out with S all the time to watch a show, while I cook and clean and make things happen in our dorm.Touching myself more started to bring more self confidence in myself.
Just one problem, now I cringe when M touches me. I hate it, I’d rather do it myself. and this is all my fault because I’ve been meaning to talk to him about needing slower foreplay, but I just haven’t had the balls to talk about it. It’s not really that even. I just don’t know how to start the conversation without him telling me everything I say isn’t true and putting me down for telling him how I feel.

On our affection, things are much better, this is one thing that has made coping so much easier for me. I know he cares and loves me, just sometimes I need a little extra effort

One night, not too long ago, we were lying in bed and just talking, it was really late, and he was speaking of his childhood, I mentioned that he doesn’t talk about the past much, so we both asked each other question about our lives and events we’ve been through. Coming clean about my past was a great weight lifted from my shoulders, but now I feel incredibly vulnerable, I don’t like this feeling, but I know I have to get through it to become whole again. Since telling him though, dark thoughts have surfaced again, I have managed to keep them at bay so far.

I don’t like being in the absyss like this. I get no good out of it. The urge to S.H. is always a nagging thought, for the stupidest things, and S.H. is the one thing I can never talk to M about because I believe he feels it’s attention seeking behaviour, and he has told me if he ever sees evidence of self harm, he’ll leave me.

I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life anymore.

I have failed at communicating once again.Tonight it started with an ”I miss you” which led to an argument about how I’m alone, and would like to go out with him more, and ended with him telling me it’s my fault I’m always alone, and that expecting him to come get me is unrealistic. Which I completely understand, but that’s not what I was talking about. I just want him to be around more.And telling him that led to me talking about how all I do is schoolwork and cook and clean and I just need something different in my life, and all I have is him, how I know it’s wrong to be dependant on him like that and that I’m working on it, but honestly I don’t think he was listening, that was the only part of the conversation he did not acknowledge.. All my intentions were to let him know I miss him. I started it, I know, but he took it out of context and now I’m upset and feel like I don’t do enough once again, even though most our arguments are that I need more help with stuff around the dorm. This led to him asking what I have cleaned this week, because the dorm is a mess (this killed me inside because I try so hard to keep it nice for him) and then when I brought up how I cleaned the apartment this summer he straight up said he didn’t believe me and when this gave me a panic attack and I started hyperventilating, and he got pissed and left. Now he’s back and we’re currently sitting beside each other, not a word spoken since he walked out. We had the same argument all summer, should I really expect something different? Not really. It’s my own fault. I am a pushover. I’m still recooping from this summer, it drained me. I’m overwhelmed and every time I talk about it, this argument happens, and I end up a mess, feeling like I don’t do a good enough job and end up feeling guilty having to ask him for help. So in other words, everything is the same as it’s been since last year.